Yesterday I unfollowed a popular account on my Instagram because I realised how much of a negative impact it had on me. I felt like a fraud looking at and liking the pages. I even purchased a bit of merch a while back that I don’t feel comfortable using because I don’t belong to ‘The Club’.
I’m talking about Motherhood. I do believe they describe my particular situation as ‘childless through circumstance’.
In my early and mid-twenties I never thought I’d be the person who wanted children. When I was 21 I became pregnant (I was the 0.1% that my contraceptive pill at the time, failed); but despite the shock, my then boyfriend and I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. Unfortunately, the pregnancy I experienced was horrific. As well as heaving every time I tried to put a toothbrush in my mouth or smelt coffee (can you believe I didn’t drink coffee for THREE years afterwards)… My body suffered. My gums were a mess, my teeth were on the verge of falling out. I couldn’t eat anything except spaghetti hoops, (everything else was far too painful to chew). Sores appeared around my mouth – one of which, I kid you not, was the size of a 10p piece and almost touched the bottom of my nose. It was excruciating and I carried to 9 weeks before opting for a medical miscarriage for the sake of my health. That experience in itself was enough to put anyone off of becoming a mother.
The relationship ended a couple of years later and I met the man who would become my husband. In total, marriage and all, we were together for 9 years. The spark disappeared and we separated. To this day we are the best of friends, but children were never discussed and by the time I began to be tempted by motherhood again, we had started to become distant and I also discovered that he’d reached the decision that he never wanted children.
Fast forward to present day. One brief toxic relationship later, (that was clearly sent to test me), and here I am. I’m in a relationship with someone I love very much, feeling maternal again, but knowing that the window for me is ever-decreasing and that in our stage of relationship, now, is not the time to be talking babies.
It’s the elephant in the room, the invisible weight hanging down on me and I am lost. I’m sure I’ll take my own advice and ‘build a bridge and get over it’; but right now? I’m choosing not to be immersed in the ‘Super Mum’, better still, ‘Super Vegan Mum’ culture and I’m just going to focus on me and looking at pretty pictures of interiors and cute animals. Not because I resent the Mum Squad, but because, quite frankly, I’m envious and green is SO not my colour.