“You had a breakdown”
She said it so casually. It just rolled off of her tongue like “we’re out of milk” or “that looks yummy”… Except she was talking to me. About me. About 2016 and the fact that 2017 was my “year for recovery” and that this was the year to “be me” again.
You’d think I’d paid a lot for this type of therapy and the revelations it brought with it; but it cost me a glass of prosecco, while I sipped on an Espresso Martini*. It was my best friend and what was so obvious and clear to her was quite literally news to me.
(*I always exchange the vodka for dark rum. SO much better. Trust me.)
“Oh yeah! I did, didn’t I?” And that was that. I had spent six months of 2016 broken. No. Not broken. Smashed. Bones had actually broken on the run up to what proved to be the biggest shit storm anyone I know has ever had to sail through. And I did it. At the start I sailed alone, and then I picked up a crew along the way who helped me begin to steer in the right direction. Well, anything’s the ‘right direction’, compared to feeling absolutely worthless and questioning your whole reason for ‘being’, right? I put it lightly. I know I do. I avoid details, purposefully. But let’s just say every aspect of my life began to collapse around me, until finally that little flicker of hope that sways amidst the forces brought on by it all finally burnt out.
I spent the 365 days prior to the strike of midnight on the 31st of December 2017, simply recovering. I’ve gained weight. I’ve lost ‘friends’. I’ve had horrific sleep patterns. But now it’s time.
And so, my plan for 2018? Quite simply… ‘Hear no evil’.
I don’t want an ounce of negativity in my life. Ask. Believe. Receive.
I am in the process of changing my mind set. If I breed negative thoughts, or embrace negative influences, they will come. Thick and fast. So guess what? I just won’t. And if that means there’s collateral damage along the way in the form of people (and in that, even family members), so be it. My parade has been pissed on more times than I can shake a stick at, but it’s because I allow it to. I allowed that thought, that experience, that person to get to me and hurt me. It’s not happening anymore.
I urge you all to do the same.
I urge you all to start loving yourself a little bit more and putting you first.
Wrap yourself up in the cosiest of cotton wools and believe that you are worth protecting in your little shell. And if you don’t genuinely feel it at first? Fake it till you make it. Then watch the positivity roll in.
Ask. Believe. Receive.
I am happy.
I am loved.
I am strong.
And it is with love that I wish you all a wonderful new year.